What Separates Us From What We Want?

What's the wall that separates us from our dreams & goals? Is it fear (of success or failure?)? Responsibility? Lack of support? Lack of a clear vision?

I've been thinking for a while about turning this blog solely into a FI or FIRE blog. For those of you unfamiliar with the terms it means Financial Independence or Financial Independence and Early Retirement. I'm not sure I'm on target to retire early. Many of those that are in the FIRE community are saving 40% or upward of their take home pay, as well as having other avenues of passive income. Last year I saved 27% of my paychecks. While being better than the average American of saving 5% a year, it is still a far cry from the 40% savings rate many would say one needs to become financially independent.

I have set a saving goal of 33% for this year.  And hoping to increase to 40% and 50% in the very near future. Two prime objectives are putting most of my savings towards my fully funded ROTH (yearly limit of $5500) and then additional savings towards paying down my mortgage. I have one very large expense of over $11,000 involving a roof on my home coming up next month, I will take from my previous savings from years past.

However, obstacles remain for me in my path to FI and this is the short lists of those obstacles:

1) I don't want to deny myself of every luxury I have. While many of my friends would describe me as frugal, I still feel like I indulge in eating out, donating money to causes I believe in, and purchasing things that aren't really "necessary". Can I "up" my savings rate and still partake in these things that give me joy?

2)I don't feel like I have the support of friends or family. While my immediate family has always been financially conservative they are not big on non-traditional life-styles. Working over 30 plus years for one company and receiving a pension seems "safe" to them. (I"m in year 22 of working in my career.)

3) At this point, I don't really have a defined plan for what I would do if, indeed, this would ever happen and I'd get to retire early and become financially independent. I love to create- in whatever fashion that takes on. I love to give to causes I believe in, though the causes seem diverse and unrelated at the moment. I love the thought of the freedom to do whatever I feel like doing rather than continuing the hamster wheel of the daily grind.

Not sure where my dreams might take me, but keep reading as I figure out how to overcome the obstacle that I face and define the future that lie ahead.

Free Money End of the Year 2017 Review

I am pleased that my expectations were exceeded in my Free Money Adventure for 2017. Originally, I believe my goal was to acquire between $1,500-$1,800 in what I considered free money for the year. At about the mid-way point I adjusted my goal to be between $2,000-$2,500. Giving the goal a range instead of an exact number helped me to be realistic and not be fixated on a  particular number.

I've attached a snap shot of my excel chart below:

Again, I know that some people may argue that some of these categories aren't actually "free". However, I felt like I included the topics in which required some effort on my part, but where money was actually on the table to receive. 

Obviously the largest category of free money was bank promotions. These were easy to find due to websites I had mentioned in my earlier blog, but at times tricky to redeem due to the conditions of the promotion. I also learned that while soft inquiries do not effect your credit score, you may exceed a particular amount of soft inquiries for opening up new accounts which would result in being declined. I kept my new accounts to reasonable amount (6) for the year. I could have possibly gone higher, but I wanted to error on the side of safety.

 As I set my goals for my 2018 Free Money I may continue to keep the new accounts I open on the low side. Many of the bank promos have a restriction as to "one redemption per calendar year" or "only open to new accounts within the past 90 days". Currently, I am thinking of a number between $1,500-$2000 because I'm not sure realistically if I can continue to keep up a $2,700 with the avenues I've been pursuing. It's a fun challenge and continues to amazing me how with a little effort there's always money out there. 

I've also found helpful the web presence and podcasts of the FI (Financial Indepences) or FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) community. I'll come back and add the links. These endeavors have both been helpful and inspiring. You don't have to be conventional in your thoughts about money and career. Financial independence is not greed, but very much the opposite... freedom. 

The In-Between Times

Yesterday, on the rainy September 2nd of 2017, I came to the realization that I feel stagnant. At this point in my life I am feeling the need to see progress. Tangible, visual progress. I feel like I’m going through life without much success. I’m sure we all feel that from time to time, but at this moment in my existence it is more evident.

I surveyed my home inside and out, did a personal internal inventory as well. I have several bare spots in my yard, a handful of craft projects in various stages of completion, two to three writing works in progress that have been immobile, and a small home mortgage I have come to define as burdensome.

Recognizing my earning for visual signs of growth I decided to take action. I recognized three projects in various stages, beginning, middle, and end and made mental and photographic evidence of each.

1) Beginning- I planted an all-in-one grass seed, fertilizer mix into two bare spots in my yard.

2) Middle- I made a trip to the bank to physically pay, by old-fashioned check, both extra principle and an early monthly payment for next moth (October). I need to see the number of  my home mortgage subside.

3) Ending-  I completed one knitted scarf that I'm replicating from my own existing scarf. 

During my fluster of action, I also made myself pause and took stock of the changes

and evolution that has transpired in my life in recent months and years. It’s very easy for me to lose perspective of the longevity of the journey and hone in only on the here and now.  

I’m hoping the growth of the grass from seed to blade will enable me to gauge the tiny increments of growth from beginning to end in a relatively short amount of time. And, whether it be in my writing, larger word counts of works in progress, or simply checking the bucket list of published, a decrease amount on my home mortgage as I implement a recent strategy to be debt free, I believe surrounding myself with visual results will encourage my soul. Starting is the first step to any successful endeavor, and the actual finishing is so satisfying, yet the laborious in-between times are where many people lose their way. I’m hoping my action steps aid me to reclaim the motivation and inspiration to make it to the finish line.

*I’m curious, how do you keep yourself engaged in the process of growth? If you read this blog, share some tips and insight in the comment section. I’m sure we all can use a little nudge. Thanks in advance.

 Forward,

Cindy

Free Money Update 2017

Over half-way through 2017 and I wanted to update you on my "free money" journey.  My initial goal for this year was $1,300-$1,500. I'm happy to say that I have surpassed that and reset my goal to between $2,250-$2,500 for the full calendar year.  The following is the break down of my current journey:

$900- Bank Promotions

$84*- Savings & Gift Cards through Gasoline Promotions through Speedway (Speedy Rewards) Kroger (Kroger Plus Card) I should be able to increase this by at least another $50 before year's end.

$60- In Store Gift card Speedway Promotion for purchasing Gasoline Gift Cards (twice this year)

$25- Saving from Cardpool Dick's Sporting Goods Gift Card

$110- Test Drive Ford Promotion/ And a Subaru Promotion

$15- My Coke Rewards Program- for Amazon & iTunes Gift Cards ( they have now re-named and re-branded) 

$50- Various Visa Gift Cards through Rebates (P&G and Mobil Oil) 

$100- Meijer Wellness Gift Card through a health insurance promo through work.

$150*- Scottrade Dividends (this is ongoing and I'm counting this for the year.)

$200*- Discover Card Cashback Bonus (I haven't collected this yet, but this is usually my average.)

$40- Swagbucks Rewards

$20- Dick's Sporting Goods & Best Buy Reward Programs

$23- Four Bills a month I am now paying online each month stamp savings.

$30- Recycle Aluminum Cans & Other Metals June of 2017

$17- Stash Cash Promotion (An online saving and investing platform)

______

$1,824

By year's end I hope to redeem at least one other bank promotion worth $200. I like the ones that do not require a direct deposit. However, I did fulfill one bank bonus recently that allowed me to direct deposit money coming from my PayPal account what counted for their bonus- so even with some banks there are ways to circumvent directly depositing money from your employer to achieve the promotions. Thanks again to Doctor Of Credit and Hustler Money Blog for helping me easily find the bests bank promotions.

I'd also like to collect another $30 from Swagbucks. A platform that rewards you for taking surveys, watching videos, and doing internet searches. If you're interested in Swagbucks (it's free to sign up you can email me for a promotion that rewards me for referring you or you can check it out on your own at their website.)

Swagbucks

I feel pretty confident I can reach the $2,000 milestone, but getting to $2,250 to  $2,500 will be a challenge. I'm up for it. What about you? Do you have any money challenges you're embarking on this year, or this month? Leave me a comment and let me know about those. We learn and inspire each other.  

I also wanted to note that I've talked to a few people that disagree with my categorizing of the above list as "free money", they venture to say I'm paying for some of the products to receive the gift cards. My rationale is that I'd be buying those items anyways regardless of the rewards. And there is the argument of is savings vs. actual gift cards or physical money the same thing. ie- the stamp savings for paying bills online. It works for me, but I understand the other side of that argument. 

I must admit I've done some pretty crazy promotions to get "free money" and I stress nothing in life is free, but if you're willing to jump a few hoops and have patience you'll find money where you never thought to look. by the way don't forget to check those cushions of your couch or look under the seats in your car. Until next time . . . May your pockets always be full and may you always have loved ones to share it!  

Free Money???

 


 Okay, we all know there's no such thing as free money. However, there ARE ways to retrieve promotions and get rebates with little effort and time. I've been researching for the past few years and I have a list of websites I frequent that alerts the public to these kinds of opportunities. Here are two of the  many websites that have useful information:

Hustler Money Blog (Not to be confused with just Hustler websites;) http://www.hustlermoneyblog.com/

and

Doctor of Credit
 http://www.doctorofcredit.com/

     Last year, 2016, I tracked over $800 of what I refer to as "free money" and this year my goal is to acquire between $1,300 and $1,500. On most banking promotion there tends to be a direct deposit requirement, but I tend to go after the ones that do not have the direct deposits as a stipulation because those are more of a hassle for me.
Below is my projected list for 2017: (x marks those promotions already achieved.)

$350   (X)  HSBC Bank Promotion- I had to deposit and keep $1,500 in the account and make two online bill pays for consecutive three months. I have to keep this account for 120-180 days. This promotion is now expired. I found this relatively easy and I saved stamps on bills I normally paid via snail mail.

$200      Huntington 5 Checking Promotion- I began the process today. I previously had an account with Huntington, but its been longer than 6 months ago so I'm good for this promotion. To qualify, I have to have $1,000 of new money to the bank. However, I want to be exempt from the $5 monthly maintenance fee so I will need to keep $5,000 in the account for the next 6 months.

 $50   (X) Northpointe Bank in Grand Rapids Michigan-
                                              http://www.hustlermoneyblog.com/northpointe-bank-ultimateaccount/
 There are some additional hoops to jump through if you want a higher interest rate, but the basic level was good for me. I had to fund this with $100 and I received a $50 promotion. This account must remain open for 120 days.

$100  (X)  United Health Care EPC Insurance Wellness Gift Card- This is set up through my   school's insurance. Members have to take a medical survey and either track their exercise for a four weeks or take online workshops that are supposed to educate for better health.

$50  (X) Speedway Bonus Points-  By swinging by Speedway Gas Stations and scanning my Speedway card before I pump my gasoline I can usually acquire enough points to redeem a $50 Speedway Card each year.

$100    Kroger Fuel Points-  Watching advertisements and digital coupon offerings when gift cards  are 4 x fuel points along with weekly shopping I can save $100 on other gasoline purchases not made at Speedway during the calendar year.

$200    Discover Card Rewards- I realize credit cards can be dangerous if you do not pay off the balance every month. Many experts will preach against using them because its so easy to buy on credit and only pay the monthly minimum. However, I have found this to be a useful tool to acquire "free money". I make sure I pay off my balance EVERY month and look to redeem my cashback near the end of each year.

$150     Scottrade Account-  I have a small Scottrade Account that I buy and sell stocks. While I haven't been able to quit my day job by trading stocks the last 5 years, it has helped me understand the markets and its been a hobby that has brought me nearly $150 in dividends since the inception of the account, along with a few nice gains when I sold profitable company stocks. However, stocks are not for the faint of heart and becoming too obsessed with the gains and losses can drive me nuts. But I've learned to only put money in the stocks that I KNOW and UNDERSTAND.

$100     Test Drive Promotions- I was able to do a test drive for a GMC Terrain in 2016 and received a $20 gift card. And while researching these opportunities I have found that car manufacturers rotate specific types and amounts of gift cards. Some of these are targeted opportunities, meaning they send out mailers to consumers that are more likely to purchase a new car. However, with a quick search of google or other search engines, one may find promotions from various car manufacturers ranging from $20- $50 depending on the time of year and make and model of vehicle.

If I'm able to accomplish the above list I will be $1,300 in the green. Right now I have a solid $550 of the $1,300. I'll come back and update this blog or write a recap blog towards the end of the year to see if I'm able to achieve this endeavor. Soft credit pulls are used for most of the bank promotions. Read up on soft credit pulls to decide if this is a good method to use for your own personal finance. Money is out there, its not quite free, but still some of it might be in your grasp if you're willing to jump through hoops and wait a handful of months. A few more dollars in your bank account can always help. Let's face it we all could use extra dollars:) May your pockets always be full and may you have loved ones to share it!

~Cindy
                                                                           

Operation: Recycle Scrap December 2016

     There were over 400 pounds of metal, circuit boards, and consumer waste. Much of this electronic material had been around for years and its usefulness had vanished with the passing of time. The devices were stagnant and collecting dust. Recycling was a must. Sure, it would've been easier to just throw it all to the curb and let the garbage truck haul it off to the dump. However, with the challenge of my brother for me to take his "junk, get rid of it, and get something out of it," I was bound and determined to turn this pile of unwanted material into cash. In the process I hoped that the items would be recycled into something useful instead of taking up space in a landfill miles away.

     The day before last a small army; consisting of myself, my three nieces and sister-in-law, meticulously packed my suv. Treading up and down my brother and sister-in-law's basement steps with full arm loads of computers and power suppliers was indeed laborious. The younger nieces holding open doors in the cool winter air as the older niece, my sister-in-law, and myself made trip after trip to the belly of their house and up to the blacktopped landscape of their driveway created space in their basement floor and filled space in my vehicle.

     After I drove to my home I opened the back hatch and the both back doors of my vehicle to survey the unlikely loot. There were a few boxes I hadn't been able to see well in my brother's basement. I extracted a cardboard box or two and took them into my house for an even more close inspection. I discarded items I knew couldn't be recycled and disassembled other electronics that I believed would make the recycling process easier. Three phone calls later to recycle centers I found the one that acknowledged they accepted computer towers, hard drives, and power cords. I also threw into the stash a bag of aluminum cans I'd been hoarding and also took my father's disregarded truck rotors he had laying in his garage.

     A short 25 minute drive with a friend and then I helped unpack the materials as the workers at the recycle station tossed the items into a large bin sitting on a commercial scale. An operator would input the type of metal or electronics into a computer while the scale calculated its value. Less than 5 minutes at the recycle station and I was more than $74 richer. Saving the planet and my bank account one recycled piece at a time. Mission Complete.

Hope is a Muscle

This post originally posted 3/2/2016 on plotsisters.com

I’m not sure exactly who coined the phrase, but I read a book several years ago entitled “In These Girls, Hope is a Muscle” written by Madeleine Blais. The non-fiction book followed the journey of a high school basketball team in Massachusetts with its defeats and triumphs. I used the expression to encourage and challenge my own varsity basketball team I coached years ago and I reference the phrase to my current students in my government and psychology classes.

For any skill to improve one must practice to enhance or make it stronger. It is not unique to only athletics. My own personal writing journey has had its ups and downs. I’ve had moments where I’ve wondered and questioned if what I was doing with my time and if my commitment to the craft was merely a lofty dream. 

It’s easy to be renewed by the promise that things will get better when the sun is shining and the atmosphere is pleasant. But, what about the dark days? How do you conjure up the courage to continue the pursuit of your dreams? I believe that’s where faith and hope become essential. Perhaps if you remember the phrase, hope is a muscle, when you’re feeling doubt and when you’re banging your head up against the wall because you see no progress you’ll remember every step forward is progress. Every word you write is moving forward. Life is cyclical. The more you give, the more you get. Maybe not immediately, but in the long haul. Keep believing. Keep doing. Hope is growing.

Sometimes It's Hard to Feel the LOVE

February, the month of cupids and hearts. I'm thankful its the shortest month of the year. In Ohio the weather is usually awful. (As I write this post with two inches of snow on the ground and freezing temperatures outside.) And not to mention the feeling that Valentine's Day conjures for someone that's single, Valentine's Day can be the most dreaded holiday of the year. The focus is always romantic love. Not that there's anything wrong with romantic love. Its great. The passion. The thinking of you texts. The gifts. The surprises. The gushing overwhelming feelings of just being in love.

However, if you happen to be in the percentage of people that aren't currently in love. Then, well, it sucks. Society makes you feel like a loser that you don't have a Valentine or a Special Someone to spend dinner with on February 14th.  I don't know maybe its more how I make myself feel than society. No, no, really I gotta say I think its society that broadcasts these kind of messages to people who are single.

The last few weeks have been rough. Just usual life stuff, but rough, nonetheless. A good friend of my lost his mom. Writing, seemingly knocking my head against the wall. Overwhelmed with bureaucracy at work. And trying to get my second wind for the last half of the school year. Hurting students that don't know how to channel their feelings and personally, feeling at a loss to help them navigate this turbulent time in their lives. The end result for the student is representing these angst in an unhealthy way and being sent home from school and not returning to date. I worry about them. And I feel like my hands are tied.

And although I question from time to time my own connectedness to people, there's always something that happens that brings me back to the truth. Which is: I have a solid group of people in my life who give to me in ways I need just when I need it most. Whether it be encouraging words by email, Facebook, or texts or happy-go-lucky activities or random phone calls. So, thank you friends and tribe members. Thank you for giving to me in the midst of your own craziness and hectic lives. Most of my friends don't read my blog, but a few do now and again. I'm broadcasting this great big thank you to the universe and to God for sending me wonderful people who inhabit my life and I only hope my existence reflects some of the love you share with me. Happy Valentine's Day, and may we all celebrate all the LOVE. Romantic and otherwise.

Can We Become too Casual?

I'm not related to these students. Not really friend's of any of the parents. I have no affiliation with these 16 & 17 year-old kids outside of being one of their high school teachers. I see them less than 5 hours a week for 9 months.

And yet this week. I had a girl ask me for a tampon. A student saying "hi" to their BFF walking down the hallway waving both middle fingers in the air. And one student confessing their parents are getting a divorce, therefore, they are allowed to walk all over their mom because, frankly, in the kid's eyes, the kid doesn't have to respect their parents since her parents' marriage is over.

Now, you may say that these are just anomalies. Random situations, in one week, throughout the course of a school year. I don't want to burst your bubble of optimism, but I'm here to tell you. . . it's a trend. High school is a microcosm of the American culture. We are becoming casual, and perhaps too casual?

There's a veil that's been lifted between teacher and student. And that's not all bad. That's for another blog post. This post is about the slippery slope. When each can NOT distinguish their roles it can be scary and lead to a world of Trouble. As an educator, I am to teach. To enlighten. Facilitate. Guide. Direct. It isn't my responsibility to be their friend. A counselor or mentor, sure. But I'm not supposed to be their friend while they are attending secondary school.

I replied to the student whom asked for the tampon. "I'm sorry. You need to go see the nurse." And quickly scribbled a pass to the clinic.

The student who was double flipping off her friend in the hallway, I tapped her on the shoulder and told her it was inappropriate.  She replied, "I was just saying 'hi'." Then, assumedly after reading my blank expression, the student quickly added a muffled, "Sorry." She scurried off towards her next class.

And to the student whom declared she didn't have to respect her mom because of the divorce. I simple said, "Your mom carried you in her belly for 9 months and more than likely endured excruciating pain to get you into this world. Not to mention, she's been half the reason you've had all your needs met to this point in your life. Both your parents have earned your respect. And if you fail to give it to them, then that's on you."

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the opportunities that present themselves outside the lectures and activities of academia to give input and teach life lessons. Maybe I'm just here to tell you as someone not in the trenches of public education, we're losing ground on the respect front. Expectations are lessening and the students are breaking those expectations down even further. Nothing is sacred. Or at least, rarely sacred. I'm not sure if we can reverse the trend. I'm not sure how to unteach what has been taught by a consistent allowance of ill-respect. It's merely an observation and a question. Can we become too casual?

Order

Order is usually synonymous with peace. With the recent loss of my grandmother I've watched my aunt and mother sort through her financial belongings and while they were semi-prepared, the process was daunting. I've decided that this is going to be one of my primary goals for the 2016. January of 2016, matter of fact. Get my own assets in order. What greater gift can you bring to your loved ones and friends than making sure, if God forbid something happened to you, that you could bring peace to a hectic and chaotic time.

So my action plan is this:

1) Research on what documents I'll need to officially file. I'll do this with online searches and discussions with people I know who have experienced sorting through a loved one's estate.

2) Collect my own documents of ownership:  deeds, titles, and beneficiaries.

3) Call an attorney and make an appointment. Although I know one can make a will and a living will without an attorney, it will give me peace of mind that a licensed individual will be taking care of any technical language and procedural matters. Yes, even if it costs me a few hundred dollars.

4) File the proper paper work. And organize a quick folder in case of any untimely situation.

The third item to my action plan will be the hardest. I am a procrastinator by birth. And despite good intentions. For some reason or another I tend to drag my feet.

A few years ago this appeared in the Wall Street Journal. A good visual for my endeavor, and perhaps for yours as well.

Massage Lessons

Don't worry I'm not quitting my day job and taking lessons in Massage Therapy. (Although I've been tempted.) But I did have a massage a few weeks ago. I try to schedule time at least once a year to treat myself. However, it had been two years since I had an opportunity, or rather I should say that I made the effort to make an appointment.

It was much needed. My body was stressed and my mind was fatigued. It's been a rough year with unique challenges. Witnessing the death of my grandmother was brutal. The slow, painful escape from this life to the next. A long-time friendship has also been tested. Bureaucracy at work and the daily grind combined to set me paralyzed by sadness, that turned into numbness. Many things I'd hoped to accomplish in 2015 didn't seem as important as they once were. I guess I'm admitting a bout of depression. I'm slowly making strides. And as I get older I discover the simple truth... life is hard. But what I also was reminded of this year is that there are lots of good people all around. Friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, students, past and present, my dear writing group, the Plot Sisters.  Lots of people who take the time to ask how my day is or wish me well.

During my hour-long massage I had the time to reflect and feel the tension being worked out of my muscles by the therapist. It felt good to let go and relax. Something I admittedly don't do well. As I lay on the table with only the sheet between me and the world I have to mention the massage reminded me of not only the emotional & mental state I'm in, but the physical shape I'm in as well. Two years ago I was in pretty good shape. Balancing a yoga and running routine that helped keep me flexible and strong. And now I'm not where I was. I haven't gained a bunch of weight, but I'm more soft in spots where I want to be firm. And that would be fine if I was comfortable, but I'm not. And not being comfortable is a horrible place to be. So I remind myself it was time to take note of what I want and why I want it. I'm gonna let that sit with me for a while and as I continue to refine and regroup holistically, maybe I'll set up another massage.

Let the Light Shine In

           The other day I did something I haven’t done in a while. Two weeks ago, to be exact . . . I opened up the blinds of my front windows of my home. I hadn’t been particularly depressed, just busy. Extremely busy.

            Most mornings over the past few weeks I left for work before 7 am and arrived back twelve hours later. The amount of day light was minimal on the best of days. It hardly seemed worth the effort to open the blinds only to shut them within a few minutes. Some nights, in the cover of darkness, my car would ease into its rightful spot in the garage. Being single, there is no spouse, or teenage kids to come home to, at this point no pet that waits for me at the door. My rooms are empty with the only remnants of life being laundry in the basket, a few dishes near the sink, and a take-out container from the night before on the counter.

            My job, extra work duties, social affairs . . . the list is varied, but the results still the same. Busyness and time away from my closed up house. Many times my absence is not by choice, but the other day I made the little extra effort during my hectic morning to open the blinds. What is a house closed up? What is a busy life? “(For life) is a vapor, that appeareth for a little time & then vanishes away.” James 4:14 KJV

            This summer and every day I want to redeem the time because it is truly passing me by.

Little choices have BIG consequences

We all make choices. Choices that affect us in the present and affect us in the future. They usually don't just affect us, singularly, but also our friends and family. At the moment I'm struggling with choices others are making, but it also reminds me to be introspective of my own choices. Food for thought:

1) "Sometimes we can't see the forest despite the trees." Is that how that cliché goes? Or is it, "sometimes we can't see the trees despite the forest." Nevertheless, you understand what I'm saying. We are so immersed in our situation that we are blind to the ramifications of our decisions. The long term lasting effects that may linger into the future.

2) We see what we want to see. Not only is our perspective unclear because we are in the thick of things, but we choose not to see the big picture.

3) We justify others' concerns. If someone voices a worry about our actions we tell ourselves, "oh, they don't understand" or, "they don't know the whole story." Perhaps we shouldn't be so defensive about someone else's observations. Maybe it should give us pause. And we should evaluate a little more before those decisions are made. Obviously, it is our lives and ultimately it is our choice and decision in which we make, but it is also the same choice or decision that we will have to live with and knowing, eventually, how our decisions have impacted those we love, well, we have to live with that, too.

New Year-New Goals

I like lists. I make lists. I make lots of lists. Daily to do lists, step by step lists, and every year a goal list since I was at least a college student. (Thanks in part to my big brother and his yearly lists.) Lists always make me feel like I have purpose. I feel like a plan is in place. Plus, I always get the satisfaction of marking the things I've accomplished. That is, of course, assuming I do accomplish those tasks. Sometimes I make check marks and other times I just cross them off, drawing a line right through my task. Depends on my mood, I suppose. From time to time I may post updates on these goals. (On a side note- my blogs have been sparse because there's been lots going on with my grandma's health and many things I'd write on my blog I feel may fit better in essays I may submit to journals later.)

So this year, 2015, is no different. I have created my list. My goals and my dreams.

1) BE HEALTHY- This tops the list at #1. A pretty vague statement, but I have a pyramid of action steps from eating more organic and simply eating more real food and less processed food to exercising regularly. Expand my knowledge of health. Follow through on preventative doctor's visits and try to be more balanced emotionally and socially. Not to mention being healthy spiritually. Meditating and praying daily. Reading scriptures and other writings that challenge me to think and not just accept others beliefs. (I'll spare you all the details, but I have written in the tiny steps that will help me accomplish this over-arching goal.) I did find 2014 to be a year in which I lost 18-20 lbs and have maintained that weight for the good part of the year. I have taken tiny steps in all of the above directions and hope I continue on that path.

2) APPRECIATE & RESPECT MY RELATIONSHIPS.- Again action steps to accompany this rather intangible statement. Everything from sending notes and emails of encouragement to packages and phone calls. Matter a fact- I just sent my first package of 2015 today from the post office. Of course, I haven't over looked that appreciating a relationship sometimes just means listening to a friend or giving people space and letting them come to you when they need you. Discernment is needed and sometimes proves difficult.

3) FINANCIAL STABILITY- Save more $ (I have a figure down on paper.) One way I'm doing this is by trying to save every $5 bill that comes my way. In less than a month I already have $90 so I'm hoping this proves a good reminder to tuck away a little extra cash now and then. Continue to keep track of my expenditures and Roth IRA contributions. I have found that being aware of finances is the first step to being able to do anything about finances.

My writing goals are more concrete so here they are:
Writing Goals
#1- Submit to a short list of Literary Journals that are known to publish emerging writers. ( I already have 4 of the 9 journals submitted.)
#2- Reach 50 queries for my manuscript Half-Life. (I'm at 16.)
#3- Finish the current manuscript R.L. (70-75,000 words is the goal. Right now I'm at 20,000.)
#4- Pitch in person to at least one agent.

I know I might not accomplish all of my goals, but if I have no goals I will surely never accomplish any. - me

Happy, Healthy, & Purposeful New Years!

Rough Waters

Rough waters for me and my family of late. Seeing someone you love walk closer to death is never an easy journey. Especially when that journey is composed of tiny steps closer to death’s door. Physical ailments pile on. Doctor’s visits accumulate on the calendar. ER doctors, Cardiologists, Neurologists, Orthopedics, the family physician. Chest pain, nausea, a fall. Repeated and repeated. 

Seeing a loved one downsize into a smaller home, sell most of their possessions. Settle into a foreign life with new neighbors and a different routine. Bury their spouse— the other half of the set. Vision issues, memory loss, the gentle and quiet become combative and hateful. It isn’t them of course, only their disease which is taking over their mind and body, but not their soul. 

I still look at her at times and catch a glimpse of the person I knew as a child. But then in a flash I look into her dark brown eyes and realize she’s gone, or rather leaving, in transition, in flux. The person I speak of is my grandma that came to every ball game she could when I was a child.  Her presence in the stands alongside my mother bolstered my confidence before every national anthem of basketball and volleyball games in middle school and high school and even college. She is beginning her departure from cognitive reality. Slipping further from our grasp.

We All Need BIGGER People

I’m not talking about taller or a bigger person in stature. I’m speaking of a bigger person in heart, in compassion, and in integrity. Humans are complicated. What motivates us and makes us tick is very different for each person. And when it comes to relationships— forget about it!  The complicated idiosyncrasies that make relationships work and not work are so beyond understanding and discussing on a blog that I’m not even going to try to go in depth. I’m merely putting out there that there always need to be a bigger person.

A bigger person to let an argument go. Or to forgive. Or maybe even a bigger person to forgive when there isn’t even an apology offered. We sometimes have blinders on when it comes to our own feelings and needs. In some relationships the bigger person is always the BIGGER person and that’s what keeps the relationship going. In other relationships, perhaps it’s a matter of the season and it could change depending on the circumstances the people and the particular relationship finds itself. No matter which person you identify with right now (aren’t we all saying we’re the bigger personJ ) somewhere down the road there will be someone in one of your relationships that becomes the BIGGER person. We have that human ability to let our selfishness dreadfully shine through, but thankfully, we as humans, have just the same capacity to become the BIGGER person. Don’t read my words wrong . . . don’t be a push over and let someone walk all over you, but giving grace to another human is an act that you won’t regret. Because you never know when you might need a little grace yourself.

INSOMNIA

Outside of really terrible things I can't think of anything much worse than to be trapped with my thoughts all night without sleep. Those who sleep well do not understand what a blessing it is to lay your head on a pillow and drift off into a deep, restorative sleep.

This week I have had minimal sleep. One night I may have gotten three hours. I tossed and turned. At times I told myself not to look at the clock because it would make the night go slower. And guess what? Moments after I told myself not to look at that clock, I did. And then I repeated that cycle several more times. "Don't look at the clock." (I did, again.) And yes, it did seem to make the night crawl at a snail's pace.

I got out of bed three or four times in the wee hours of the morning thinking that perhaps if I had something to drink or a bite to eat it'd be easier to find a few hours of good sleep. Neither drink nor food helped calm my mind. I began to think that perhaps if I gave my anxious thoughts to God in prayer and meditation that it would soothe my troubled soul. Hours later, my soul still troubled and my mind still stirred. And my body still did not sleep.

After the worst night I caved and bought a variety of over-the-counter sleeping aids. I understand the studies that sleeping aids really only mask a bigger problem and REM sleep usually doesn't occur for those whom partake in the ritual of a pill. It was minimal help.

So why am I so anxious? What are my convoluted thoughts? When the distractions of the day are gone there is a myriad of thoughts that consume me. Thoughts about my daily schedule, the effectiveness of my time, my troubles and others' troubles, worry and strife of those I love and my brain flips like a rolodex to find a way to find peace and solace in the crazy world in which we live. I rethink my past and wonder about my future. Wondering if I'll ever be at peace with the situation and station of life at the present. For I feel I have something bigger to share than what I have shared. And I believe I have a better contribution than which I've given thus far. With this uneasiness in my chest I have to keep working towards finding a way in which to unleash my potential and give of my energy to those who will embrace it. Being one with my Creator and in synch with others around me is my aspiration. I want others to make me better than I am. And I want to do the same for them. I long for the day where I place my head on my pillow, my heart and mind are quiet, not because I have nothing else to give, but because what I've given has been received. Reciprocation and life giving energy circled and recycled.

   

Celebrating the Weekend

Celebrating the Weekend

Friday after school I wanted to celebrate the three day Labor Day weekend. I decided to go to the local United Dairy Farmer’s and get an ice cream cone. Although the UDF is less than a quarter mile from my home I rarely frequent it for ice cream because there’s usually a very long line.  But on this day I was hoping I’d hit the store at an off peak time and things would go smoothly.

My optimism proved true on one aspect, there was only one other customer in front of me. However, when I told the attendant what I wanted, one dip of strawberry ice cream in a waffle cone, she conferred with her colleague. And I overheard her say, “How do we do this?”

Just dip the ice cream into the cone. How hard is it? 

As the two apron wearing employees finished their conversation the lady turned to me with an ice cream scoop in one hand and a paper cup in the other. “We’ve changed our policies. We now have to weigh all the ice cream?”

So instead of a the actual treat I had intended, I walked out of the store with a slightly different version, a paper cup of ice cream with a waffle cone dropped on top. We don't always get exactly what we want, even when we know what we want.

Stuff

           Like most Americans I have a lot of stuff. Not that any of it is worth any monetary value.  But it’s just a bunch of well—stuff. It’s hard to categorize all the things I possess; lots of papers, versions of unpublished manuscripts, basketball drills, notes from clinics, magazines, school worksheets and diagrams, adaptors, cords of all sorts of old electronics, and even a blow up mattress that doesn’t really hold air anymore. All these things, I guess, I thought I’d hold onto and sell in a garage sale or I’d just file away another day, but that day never came and more stuff got piled on top of that stuff. I’m not like a total hoarder, but I have too many things that I don’t need.

            I have a two car garage that’s full and only one car. I also have a spare room, guest room or whatever you want to call it. (I don’t get too many overnight guests these days and I only have a twin bed in there so I guess it’s best to refer to it as the spare room.) You know what they say today’s as good as any day to start something you’ve been meaning to do. Actually I started last week, but I’m keeping my organization and purging project front and center and doing a little purging each week. I want to get rid of all these things that have no value or no emotional bearing on my life so I can make room for something else. I don’t know what I’m making room for, but I’m making room. Maybe it’s merely an overnight guest, maybe it’s a housemate, maybe it’s just sanity and peace of mind. Whatever it is I hope it finds its way to me soon because even though I don’t know exactly what’s coming down the pike . . . I know I’m getting ready for something and that’s kinda exciting in and of itself!

I'm Not Sitting on the Back Row Anymore (Figuratively Speaking)

            When I was in college many years ago all freshmen participants in the sports programs had to attend a seminar about the university’s expectations of student-athletes. I just remember several coaches from all the diverse sports, along with the athletic director, telling us to represent on campus and in the classroom. They mentioned that a few professors already thought every athlete was a dumb jock so we weren’t supposed to feed into that stereotype. The main points of the discussion were the importance of:

1)  communicating with the professor about when we were going to be gone  

      on road trips,
 

2) getting any assignments we’d be missing or to reschedule labs and/or exams promptly,

3) arriving to class early, and

4) the school officials emphasized sitting near the front of the room.

            Sitting in the front meant you cared. It communicated that you valued the class and the professor. Sitting in the front meant you were willing to participate. At least that’s what they told us. I was never a dumb jock and in most of my classes I don’t think I would’ve chosen to sit in the back(well okay maybe a few of the really boring classes) but that speech has always been in my head. And all these years later as a high school teacher myself, when students get to choose their seats in my class and certain students choose to sit in the back of the room the above statements run through my mind. But conversely, I also think about these things when I choose my own seats be it in meetings, in seminars, or in church.

I’ll be honest I don’t always sit in the front, in fact, there have been many times I’ve chosen to sit in the back row. Times that I needed to leave early. Or times I wasn’t feeling well. Or even times my friends wanted to sit in the back of a meeting. Those are all good reasons, right? But there are other reasons I’ve sat in the back— because I wasn’t interested, so I could make a quick get-a-way, because I didn’t want to be stuck. Well, this past Sunday I went to hear a dear friend sing at a church that I hadn’t been to in quite a while. She had told me before that she’d be near the front with other people. I didn’t really know her new friends and thought it might be awkward so instead of sitting up front I chose to sit in the back. The very back, by the door. A lone.

I thought about my seating choice during the service and decided that this might be an analogy . . . that I’ve been sitting on the back seat of my life way too long. In certain areas I’ve been passive, professionally and personally. Perhaps I’ve even become half-hearted in participating in my own existence. Maybe cynicism had kept me on the last row. Fear? Fear of being swept up by insincere people or caught up in something I have reservations concerning. In some ways it does seem safer in the back where no one will see you. Where you can limit your engagement and take in the environment, but not really partake.

I heard my friend sing a beautiful song and after the service I went up to find her and her new friends. I don’t want to live a passive life. I don’t want to just play it safe. I want to care about what’s going on and I want to engage with those around me. An introspective investigation of my own seating choice leads me now to these questions, where are you sitting? And most significant of all, why are you sitting there?