Sometimes It's Hard to Feel the LOVE

February, the month of cupids and hearts. I'm thankful its the shortest month of the year. In Ohio the weather is usually awful. (As I write this post with two inches of snow on the ground and freezing temperatures outside.) And not to mention the feeling that Valentine's Day conjures for someone that's single, Valentine's Day can be the most dreaded holiday of the year. The focus is always romantic love. Not that there's anything wrong with romantic love. Its great. The passion. The thinking of you texts. The gifts. The surprises. The gushing overwhelming feelings of just being in love.

However, if you happen to be in the percentage of people that aren't currently in love. Then, well, it sucks. Society makes you feel like a loser that you don't have a Valentine or a Special Someone to spend dinner with on February 14th.  I don't know maybe its more how I make myself feel than society. No, no, really I gotta say I think its society that broadcasts these kind of messages to people who are single.

The last few weeks have been rough. Just usual life stuff, but rough, nonetheless. A good friend of my lost his mom. Writing, seemingly knocking my head against the wall. Overwhelmed with bureaucracy at work. And trying to get my second wind for the last half of the school year. Hurting students that don't know how to channel their feelings and personally, feeling at a loss to help them navigate this turbulent time in their lives. The end result for the student is representing these angst in an unhealthy way and being sent home from school and not returning to date. I worry about them. And I feel like my hands are tied.

And although I question from time to time my own connectedness to people, there's always something that happens that brings me back to the truth. Which is: I have a solid group of people in my life who give to me in ways I need just when I need it most. Whether it be encouraging words by email, Facebook, or texts or happy-go-lucky activities or random phone calls. So, thank you friends and tribe members. Thank you for giving to me in the midst of your own craziness and hectic lives. Most of my friends don't read my blog, but a few do now and again. I'm broadcasting this great big thank you to the universe and to God for sending me wonderful people who inhabit my life and I only hope my existence reflects some of the love you share with me. Happy Valentine's Day, and may we all celebrate all the LOVE. Romantic and otherwise.

Can We Become too Casual?

I'm not related to these students. Not really friend's of any of the parents. I have no affiliation with these 16 & 17 year-old kids outside of being one of their high school teachers. I see them less than 5 hours a week for 9 months.

And yet this week. I had a girl ask me for a tampon. A student saying "hi" to their BFF walking down the hallway waving both middle fingers in the air. And one student confessing their parents are getting a divorce, therefore, they are allowed to walk all over their mom because, frankly, in the kid's eyes, the kid doesn't have to respect their parents since her parents' marriage is over.

Now, you may say that these are just anomalies. Random situations, in one week, throughout the course of a school year. I don't want to burst your bubble of optimism, but I'm here to tell you. . . it's a trend. High school is a microcosm of the American culture. We are becoming casual, and perhaps too casual?

There's a veil that's been lifted between teacher and student. And that's not all bad. That's for another blog post. This post is about the slippery slope. When each can NOT distinguish their roles it can be scary and lead to a world of Trouble. As an educator, I am to teach. To enlighten. Facilitate. Guide. Direct. It isn't my responsibility to be their friend. A counselor or mentor, sure. But I'm not supposed to be their friend while they are attending secondary school.

I replied to the student whom asked for the tampon. "I'm sorry. You need to go see the nurse." And quickly scribbled a pass to the clinic.

The student who was double flipping off her friend in the hallway, I tapped her on the shoulder and told her it was inappropriate.  She replied, "I was just saying 'hi'." Then, assumedly after reading my blank expression, the student quickly added a muffled, "Sorry." She scurried off towards her next class.

And to the student whom declared she didn't have to respect her mom because of the divorce. I simple said, "Your mom carried you in her belly for 9 months and more than likely endured excruciating pain to get you into this world. Not to mention, she's been half the reason you've had all your needs met to this point in your life. Both your parents have earned your respect. And if you fail to give it to them, then that's on you."

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the opportunities that present themselves outside the lectures and activities of academia to give input and teach life lessons. Maybe I'm just here to tell you as someone not in the trenches of public education, we're losing ground on the respect front. Expectations are lessening and the students are breaking those expectations down even further. Nothing is sacred. Or at least, rarely sacred. I'm not sure if we can reverse the trend. I'm not sure how to unteach what has been taught by a consistent allowance of ill-respect. It's merely an observation and a question. Can we become too casual?

Order

Order is usually synonymous with peace. With the recent loss of my grandmother I've watched my aunt and mother sort through her financial belongings and while they were semi-prepared, the process was daunting. I've decided that this is going to be one of my primary goals for the 2016. January of 2016, matter of fact. Get my own assets in order. What greater gift can you bring to your loved ones and friends than making sure, if God forbid something happened to you, that you could bring peace to a hectic and chaotic time.

So my action plan is this:

1) Research on what documents I'll need to officially file. I'll do this with online searches and discussions with people I know who have experienced sorting through a loved one's estate.

2) Collect my own documents of ownership:  deeds, titles, and beneficiaries.

3) Call an attorney and make an appointment. Although I know one can make a will and a living will without an attorney, it will give me peace of mind that a licensed individual will be taking care of any technical language and procedural matters. Yes, even if it costs me a few hundred dollars.

4) File the proper paper work. And organize a quick folder in case of any untimely situation.

The third item to my action plan will be the hardest. I am a procrastinator by birth. And despite good intentions. For some reason or another I tend to drag my feet.

A few years ago this appeared in the Wall Street Journal. A good visual for my endeavor, and perhaps for yours as well.

Massage Lessons

Don't worry I'm not quitting my day job and taking lessons in Massage Therapy. (Although I've been tempted.) But I did have a massage a few weeks ago. I try to schedule time at least once a year to treat myself. However, it had been two years since I had an opportunity, or rather I should say that I made the effort to make an appointment.

It was much needed. My body was stressed and my mind was fatigued. It's been a rough year with unique challenges. Witnessing the death of my grandmother was brutal. The slow, painful escape from this life to the next. A long-time friendship has also been tested. Bureaucracy at work and the daily grind combined to set me paralyzed by sadness, that turned into numbness. Many things I'd hoped to accomplish in 2015 didn't seem as important as they once were. I guess I'm admitting a bout of depression. I'm slowly making strides. And as I get older I discover the simple truth... life is hard. But what I also was reminded of this year is that there are lots of good people all around. Friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, students, past and present, my dear writing group, the Plot Sisters.  Lots of people who take the time to ask how my day is or wish me well.

During my hour-long massage I had the time to reflect and feel the tension being worked out of my muscles by the therapist. It felt good to let go and relax. Something I admittedly don't do well. As I lay on the table with only the sheet between me and the world I have to mention the massage reminded me of not only the emotional & mental state I'm in, but the physical shape I'm in as well. Two years ago I was in pretty good shape. Balancing a yoga and running routine that helped keep me flexible and strong. And now I'm not where I was. I haven't gained a bunch of weight, but I'm more soft in spots where I want to be firm. And that would be fine if I was comfortable, but I'm not. And not being comfortable is a horrible place to be. So I remind myself it was time to take note of what I want and why I want it. I'm gonna let that sit with me for a while and as I continue to refine and regroup holistically, maybe I'll set up another massage.

Let the Light Shine In

           The other day I did something I haven’t done in a while. Two weeks ago, to be exact . . . I opened up the blinds of my front windows of my home. I hadn’t been particularly depressed, just busy. Extremely busy.

            Most mornings over the past few weeks I left for work before 7 am and arrived back twelve hours later. The amount of day light was minimal on the best of days. It hardly seemed worth the effort to open the blinds only to shut them within a few minutes. Some nights, in the cover of darkness, my car would ease into its rightful spot in the garage. Being single, there is no spouse, or teenage kids to come home to, at this point no pet that waits for me at the door. My rooms are empty with the only remnants of life being laundry in the basket, a few dishes near the sink, and a take-out container from the night before on the counter.

            My job, extra work duties, social affairs . . . the list is varied, but the results still the same. Busyness and time away from my closed up house. Many times my absence is not by choice, but the other day I made the little extra effort during my hectic morning to open the blinds. What is a house closed up? What is a busy life? “(For life) is a vapor, that appeareth for a little time & then vanishes away.” James 4:14 KJV

            This summer and every day I want to redeem the time because it is truly passing me by.

Little choices have BIG consequences

We all make choices. Choices that affect us in the present and affect us in the future. They usually don't just affect us, singularly, but also our friends and family. At the moment I'm struggling with choices others are making, but it also reminds me to be introspective of my own choices. Food for thought:

1) "Sometimes we can't see the forest despite the trees." Is that how that cliché goes? Or is it, "sometimes we can't see the trees despite the forest." Nevertheless, you understand what I'm saying. We are so immersed in our situation that we are blind to the ramifications of our decisions. The long term lasting effects that may linger into the future.

2) We see what we want to see. Not only is our perspective unclear because we are in the thick of things, but we choose not to see the big picture.

3) We justify others' concerns. If someone voices a worry about our actions we tell ourselves, "oh, they don't understand" or, "they don't know the whole story." Perhaps we shouldn't be so defensive about someone else's observations. Maybe it should give us pause. And we should evaluate a little more before those decisions are made. Obviously, it is our lives and ultimately it is our choice and decision in which we make, but it is also the same choice or decision that we will have to live with and knowing, eventually, how our decisions have impacted those we love, well, we have to live with that, too.

New Year-New Goals

I like lists. I make lists. I make lots of lists. Daily to do lists, step by step lists, and every year a goal list since I was at least a college student. (Thanks in part to my big brother and his yearly lists.) Lists always make me feel like I have purpose. I feel like a plan is in place. Plus, I always get the satisfaction of marking the things I've accomplished. That is, of course, assuming I do accomplish those tasks. Sometimes I make check marks and other times I just cross them off, drawing a line right through my task. Depends on my mood, I suppose. From time to time I may post updates on these goals. (On a side note- my blogs have been sparse because there's been lots going on with my grandma's health and many things I'd write on my blog I feel may fit better in essays I may submit to journals later.)

So this year, 2015, is no different. I have created my list. My goals and my dreams.

1) BE HEALTHY- This tops the list at #1. A pretty vague statement, but I have a pyramid of action steps from eating more organic and simply eating more real food and less processed food to exercising regularly. Expand my knowledge of health. Follow through on preventative doctor's visits and try to be more balanced emotionally and socially. Not to mention being healthy spiritually. Meditating and praying daily. Reading scriptures and other writings that challenge me to think and not just accept others beliefs. (I'll spare you all the details, but I have written in the tiny steps that will help me accomplish this over-arching goal.) I did find 2014 to be a year in which I lost 18-20 lbs and have maintained that weight for the good part of the year. I have taken tiny steps in all of the above directions and hope I continue on that path.

2) APPRECIATE & RESPECT MY RELATIONSHIPS.- Again action steps to accompany this rather intangible statement. Everything from sending notes and emails of encouragement to packages and phone calls. Matter a fact- I just sent my first package of 2015 today from the post office. Of course, I haven't over looked that appreciating a relationship sometimes just means listening to a friend or giving people space and letting them come to you when they need you. Discernment is needed and sometimes proves difficult.

3) FINANCIAL STABILITY- Save more $ (I have a figure down on paper.) One way I'm doing this is by trying to save every $5 bill that comes my way. In less than a month I already have $90 so I'm hoping this proves a good reminder to tuck away a little extra cash now and then. Continue to keep track of my expenditures and Roth IRA contributions. I have found that being aware of finances is the first step to being able to do anything about finances.

My writing goals are more concrete so here they are:
Writing Goals
#1- Submit to a short list of Literary Journals that are known to publish emerging writers. ( I already have 4 of the 9 journals submitted.)
#2- Reach 50 queries for my manuscript Half-Life. (I'm at 16.)
#3- Finish the current manuscript R.L. (70-75,000 words is the goal. Right now I'm at 20,000.)
#4- Pitch in person to at least one agent.

I know I might not accomplish all of my goals, but if I have no goals I will surely never accomplish any. - me

Happy, Healthy, & Purposeful New Years!