Massage Lessons

Don't worry I'm not quitting my day job and taking lessons in Massage Therapy. (Although I've been tempted.) But I did have a massage a few weeks ago. I try to schedule time at least once a year to treat myself. However, it had been two years since I had an opportunity, or rather I should say that I made the effort to make an appointment.

It was much needed. My body was stressed and my mind was fatigued. It's been a rough year with unique challenges. Witnessing the death of my grandmother was brutal. The slow, painful escape from this life to the next. A long-time friendship has also been tested. Bureaucracy at work and the daily grind combined to set me paralyzed by sadness, that turned into numbness. Many things I'd hoped to accomplish in 2015 didn't seem as important as they once were. I guess I'm admitting a bout of depression. I'm slowly making strides. And as I get older I discover the simple truth... life is hard. But what I also was reminded of this year is that there are lots of good people all around. Friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, students, past and present, my dear writing group, the Plot Sisters.  Lots of people who take the time to ask how my day is or wish me well.

During my hour-long massage I had the time to reflect and feel the tension being worked out of my muscles by the therapist. It felt good to let go and relax. Something I admittedly don't do well. As I lay on the table with only the sheet between me and the world I have to mention the massage reminded me of not only the emotional & mental state I'm in, but the physical shape I'm in as well. Two years ago I was in pretty good shape. Balancing a yoga and running routine that helped keep me flexible and strong. And now I'm not where I was. I haven't gained a bunch of weight, but I'm more soft in spots where I want to be firm. And that would be fine if I was comfortable, but I'm not. And not being comfortable is a horrible place to be. So I remind myself it was time to take note of what I want and why I want it. I'm gonna let that sit with me for a while and as I continue to refine and regroup holistically, maybe I'll set up another massage.

Let the Light Shine In

           The other day I did something I haven’t done in a while. Two weeks ago, to be exact . . . I opened up the blinds of my front windows of my home. I hadn’t been particularly depressed, just busy. Extremely busy.

            Most mornings over the past few weeks I left for work before 7 am and arrived back twelve hours later. The amount of day light was minimal on the best of days. It hardly seemed worth the effort to open the blinds only to shut them within a few minutes. Some nights, in the cover of darkness, my car would ease into its rightful spot in the garage. Being single, there is no spouse, or teenage kids to come home to, at this point no pet that waits for me at the door. My rooms are empty with the only remnants of life being laundry in the basket, a few dishes near the sink, and a take-out container from the night before on the counter.

            My job, extra work duties, social affairs . . . the list is varied, but the results still the same. Busyness and time away from my closed up house. Many times my absence is not by choice, but the other day I made the little extra effort during my hectic morning to open the blinds. What is a house closed up? What is a busy life? “(For life) is a vapor, that appeareth for a little time & then vanishes away.” James 4:14 KJV

            This summer and every day I want to redeem the time because it is truly passing me by.

Little choices have BIG consequences

We all make choices. Choices that affect us in the present and affect us in the future. They usually don't just affect us, singularly, but also our friends and family. At the moment I'm struggling with choices others are making, but it also reminds me to be introspective of my own choices. Food for thought:

1) "Sometimes we can't see the forest despite the trees." Is that how that cliché goes? Or is it, "sometimes we can't see the trees despite the forest." Nevertheless, you understand what I'm saying. We are so immersed in our situation that we are blind to the ramifications of our decisions. The long term lasting effects that may linger into the future.

2) We see what we want to see. Not only is our perspective unclear because we are in the thick of things, but we choose not to see the big picture.

3) We justify others' concerns. If someone voices a worry about our actions we tell ourselves, "oh, they don't understand" or, "they don't know the whole story." Perhaps we shouldn't be so defensive about someone else's observations. Maybe it should give us pause. And we should evaluate a little more before those decisions are made. Obviously, it is our lives and ultimately it is our choice and decision in which we make, but it is also the same choice or decision that we will have to live with and knowing, eventually, how our decisions have impacted those we love, well, we have to live with that, too.

New Year-New Goals

I like lists. I make lists. I make lots of lists. Daily to do lists, step by step lists, and every year a goal list since I was at least a college student. (Thanks in part to my big brother and his yearly lists.) Lists always make me feel like I have purpose. I feel like a plan is in place. Plus, I always get the satisfaction of marking the things I've accomplished. That is, of course, assuming I do accomplish those tasks. Sometimes I make check marks and other times I just cross them off, drawing a line right through my task. Depends on my mood, I suppose. From time to time I may post updates on these goals. (On a side note- my blogs have been sparse because there's been lots going on with my grandma's health and many things I'd write on my blog I feel may fit better in essays I may submit to journals later.)

So this year, 2015, is no different. I have created my list. My goals and my dreams.

1) BE HEALTHY- This tops the list at #1. A pretty vague statement, but I have a pyramid of action steps from eating more organic and simply eating more real food and less processed food to exercising regularly. Expand my knowledge of health. Follow through on preventative doctor's visits and try to be more balanced emotionally and socially. Not to mention being healthy spiritually. Meditating and praying daily. Reading scriptures and other writings that challenge me to think and not just accept others beliefs. (I'll spare you all the details, but I have written in the tiny steps that will help me accomplish this over-arching goal.) I did find 2014 to be a year in which I lost 18-20 lbs and have maintained that weight for the good part of the year. I have taken tiny steps in all of the above directions and hope I continue on that path.

2) APPRECIATE & RESPECT MY RELATIONSHIPS.- Again action steps to accompany this rather intangible statement. Everything from sending notes and emails of encouragement to packages and phone calls. Matter a fact- I just sent my first package of 2015 today from the post office. Of course, I haven't over looked that appreciating a relationship sometimes just means listening to a friend or giving people space and letting them come to you when they need you. Discernment is needed and sometimes proves difficult.

3) FINANCIAL STABILITY- Save more $ (I have a figure down on paper.) One way I'm doing this is by trying to save every $5 bill that comes my way. In less than a month I already have $90 so I'm hoping this proves a good reminder to tuck away a little extra cash now and then. Continue to keep track of my expenditures and Roth IRA contributions. I have found that being aware of finances is the first step to being able to do anything about finances.

My writing goals are more concrete so here they are:
Writing Goals
#1- Submit to a short list of Literary Journals that are known to publish emerging writers. ( I already have 4 of the 9 journals submitted.)
#2- Reach 50 queries for my manuscript Half-Life. (I'm at 16.)
#3- Finish the current manuscript R.L. (70-75,000 words is the goal. Right now I'm at 20,000.)
#4- Pitch in person to at least one agent.

I know I might not accomplish all of my goals, but if I have no goals I will surely never accomplish any. - me

Happy, Healthy, & Purposeful New Years!

Rough Waters

Rough waters for me and my family of late. Seeing someone you love walk closer to death is never an easy journey. Especially when that journey is composed of tiny steps closer to death’s door. Physical ailments pile on. Doctor’s visits accumulate on the calendar. ER doctors, Cardiologists, Neurologists, Orthopedics, the family physician. Chest pain, nausea, a fall. Repeated and repeated. 

Seeing a loved one downsize into a smaller home, sell most of their possessions. Settle into a foreign life with new neighbors and a different routine. Bury their spouse— the other half of the set. Vision issues, memory loss, the gentle and quiet become combative and hateful. It isn’t them of course, only their disease which is taking over their mind and body, but not their soul. 

I still look at her at times and catch a glimpse of the person I knew as a child. But then in a flash I look into her dark brown eyes and realize she’s gone, or rather leaving, in transition, in flux. The person I speak of is my grandma that came to every ball game she could when I was a child.  Her presence in the stands alongside my mother bolstered my confidence before every national anthem of basketball and volleyball games in middle school and high school and even college. She is beginning her departure from cognitive reality. Slipping further from our grasp.

We All Need BIGGER People

I’m not talking about taller or a bigger person in stature. I’m speaking of a bigger person in heart, in compassion, and in integrity. Humans are complicated. What motivates us and makes us tick is very different for each person. And when it comes to relationships— forget about it!  The complicated idiosyncrasies that make relationships work and not work are so beyond understanding and discussing on a blog that I’m not even going to try to go in depth. I’m merely putting out there that there always need to be a bigger person.

A bigger person to let an argument go. Or to forgive. Or maybe even a bigger person to forgive when there isn’t even an apology offered. We sometimes have blinders on when it comes to our own feelings and needs. In some relationships the bigger person is always the BIGGER person and that’s what keeps the relationship going. In other relationships, perhaps it’s a matter of the season and it could change depending on the circumstances the people and the particular relationship finds itself. No matter which person you identify with right now (aren’t we all saying we’re the bigger personJ ) somewhere down the road there will be someone in one of your relationships that becomes the BIGGER person. We have that human ability to let our selfishness dreadfully shine through, but thankfully, we as humans, have just the same capacity to become the BIGGER person. Don’t read my words wrong . . . don’t be a push over and let someone walk all over you, but giving grace to another human is an act that you won’t regret. Because you never know when you might need a little grace yourself.

INSOMNIA

Outside of really terrible things I can't think of anything much worse than to be trapped with my thoughts all night without sleep. Those who sleep well do not understand what a blessing it is to lay your head on a pillow and drift off into a deep, restorative sleep.

This week I have had minimal sleep. One night I may have gotten three hours. I tossed and turned. At times I told myself not to look at the clock because it would make the night go slower. And guess what? Moments after I told myself not to look at that clock, I did. And then I repeated that cycle several more times. "Don't look at the clock." (I did, again.) And yes, it did seem to make the night crawl at a snail's pace.

I got out of bed three or four times in the wee hours of the morning thinking that perhaps if I had something to drink or a bite to eat it'd be easier to find a few hours of good sleep. Neither drink nor food helped calm my mind. I began to think that perhaps if I gave my anxious thoughts to God in prayer and meditation that it would soothe my troubled soul. Hours later, my soul still troubled and my mind still stirred. And my body still did not sleep.

After the worst night I caved and bought a variety of over-the-counter sleeping aids. I understand the studies that sleeping aids really only mask a bigger problem and REM sleep usually doesn't occur for those whom partake in the ritual of a pill. It was minimal help.

So why am I so anxious? What are my convoluted thoughts? When the distractions of the day are gone there is a myriad of thoughts that consume me. Thoughts about my daily schedule, the effectiveness of my time, my troubles and others' troubles, worry and strife of those I love and my brain flips like a rolodex to find a way to find peace and solace in the crazy world in which we live. I rethink my past and wonder about my future. Wondering if I'll ever be at peace with the situation and station of life at the present. For I feel I have something bigger to share than what I have shared. And I believe I have a better contribution than which I've given thus far. With this uneasiness in my chest I have to keep working towards finding a way in which to unleash my potential and give of my energy to those who will embrace it. Being one with my Creator and in synch with others around me is my aspiration. I want others to make me better than I am. And I want to do the same for them. I long for the day where I place my head on my pillow, my heart and mind are quiet, not because I have nothing else to give, but because what I've given has been received. Reciprocation and life giving energy circled and recycled.