Outside of really terrible things I can't think of
anything much worse than to be trapped with my thoughts all night without
sleep. Those who sleep well do not understand what a blessing it is to lay your
head on a pillow and drift off into a deep, restorative sleep.
This week I have had minimal sleep. One night I may
have gotten three hours. I tossed and turned. At times I told myself not to
look at the clock because it would make the night go slower. And guess what?
Moments after I told myself not to look at that clock, I did. And then I
repeated that cycle several more times. "Don't look at the clock." (I
did, again.) And yes, it did seem to make the night crawl at a snail's pace.
I got out of bed three or four times in the wee
hours of the morning thinking that perhaps if I had something to drink or a
bite to eat it'd be easier to find a few hours of good sleep. Neither drink nor
food helped calm my mind. I began to think that perhaps if I gave my anxious
thoughts to God in prayer and meditation that it would soothe my troubled soul.
Hours later, my soul still troubled and my mind still stirred. And my body
still did not sleep.
After the worst night I caved and bought a variety
of over-the-counter sleeping aids. I understand the studies that sleeping aids
really only mask a bigger problem and REM sleep usually doesn't occur for those
whom partake in the ritual of a pill. It was minimal help.
So why am I so anxious? What are my convoluted
thoughts? When the distractions of the day are gone there is a myriad of
thoughts that consume me. Thoughts about my daily schedule, the effectiveness
of my time, my troubles and others' troubles, worry and strife of those I love
and my brain flips like a rolodex to find a way to find peace and solace in the
crazy world in which we live. I rethink my past and wonder about my future.
Wondering if I'll ever be at peace with the situation and station of life at
the present. For I feel I have something bigger to share than what I have
shared. And I believe I have a better contribution than which I've
given thus far. With this uneasiness in my chest I have to keep working
towards finding a way in which to unleash my potential and give of my energy to
those who will embrace it. Being one with my Creator and in synch with others
around me is my aspiration. I want others to make me better than I am. And I
want to do the same for them. I long for the day where I place my head on my
pillow, my heart and mind are quiet, not because I have nothing else to give,
but because what I've given has been received. Reciprocation and life giving
energy circled and recycled.
